Quote of the month: “… Self-love sets the standard in how we allow others to treat us and how we treat ourselves. Your happiness and well-being is important. Protect it by always valuing who you are!” ~Stephanie Lahart
(Continued from September Blog)
Twelve Years had passed
2010 had steamrolled in. I was in the midst of a rather intense Mercury retrograde during late December and early January. A piece of important health equipment broke. I was in a slight car accident on that New Year’s eve. I experienced a gall bladder attack for 4 days. And my desktop computer got a virus so my tech was working on it at his shop.
It was the last day of the retrograde, and I was grateful that I had a working laptop. I was taking care of a few emails, and looking forward to going out in an hour to see the movie ‘Avatar’ for the first time.
Caught off guard
The phone rang. It didn’t have a caller ID screen on my home line at that time to see who was calling. I automatically lifted up the receiver.
I heard a very calm male voice asking if I knew who it was. I wasn’t completely sure. He carefully announced, quite rehearsed, who it was. His voice was rarely calm or low-keyed towards me.
My nervous system started to activate. I felt taken by surprise and caught off guard. How was I going to handle this intrusion?
He proceeded, as he had in the past, saying, “Don’t hang up on me. I want to talk to you.”
His voice wasn’t attacking, but I didn’t trust the energy knowing how easily it could vacillate and escalate.
I responded first.
“There is nothing to talk about. I’ve told you I didn’t want to communicate. My life is doing well. I’ve written two books. There is nothing more that needs to be discussed. Our lives are too different. I will no longer live in denial about what happened in our lives. I accept that that is where you and the others have chosen to put your energy. I wish you well and love you.”
He remained silent for only a brief second. It wasn’t to respect or integrate what I said, but rather to bypass in maneuvering to his next prepared point.
He shifted from his pause to raising his voice in blaming and attacking another family member for the woes that had occurred between him and I. It was an old story that he was attempting to revive, one that had created a bond between us when I was a child. The accused person had been deceased for almost 40 years by then…my mother.
For me, there was a very different awareness and reality I experienced, as I had total and complete forgiveness towards her since 1997. The years of hatred had turned into unconditional love, a complete understanding of our lives together in the Truth of what had occurred.
I knew that he would never want to hear nor would he at all understand my healing journey. How could he when he never wanted to acknowledge what actually happened? And honestly, that would have been past his scope of reality. For him, he wanted to engage in the same old pattern of who to identify as the family scapegoat or identified patient. If it wasn’t my mother, then it would need to be me.
It had all been spoken
I can name him now. Yes, my father. Why can I name him now? Please continue.
In not being able to control or convince me to side with his viewpoint, he raised his voice and turned the attack towards me. “Don’t you think you have problems?!”
After being in therapy and other healing modalities since the mid-80’s, it certainly didn’t cross my mind to enter into any discussion around this with him. He knew I had been in therapy for years.
And intuitively and cognitively, I knew his patterns hadn’t changed in all that time. His lack of skills to communicate what his needs and feelings were, remained suppressed; and his feelings were again dysregulated. I understood this, and refused to accept them as my own just like years before.
I didn’t have a need to blame nor make him wrong to feel good about my worth or value. I didn’t need to say anything more. It had all been spoken.
It took no preparation to hang up on him.
I’m grateful that I stayed in respect to myself first. When parents (or anyone) demand obedience as if they are an authoritarian dictator, there is a loss of connection to who they are relating with. It’s as if the other person has become objectified. That is a big pattern in abuse of a child. And I wasn’t a child anymore that I couldn’t take appropriate action.
For me, respecting a person, whether a parent, relative, teacher, or friend, needs to be earned. It isn’t a given when disrespect towards my humanity had been an entrenched family pattern. It would be victim trust otherwise.
This doesn’t mean I’m not respectful towards others, but to me first in keeping with my boundaries. Their reaction to my boundaries, is what makes further communication available or not.
Nothing had changed in his pattern of wanting me to team up with him against my mother…except me. I’m no longer on that team. I no longer need to know love by teaming up against another. I don’t abide by hierarchal teams that pit one against the other.
Love, Compassion and Understanding
I know that my father really loved me at a soul level, but was unable to express or demonstrate love in healthy ways. He never really knew it within himself. He never felt loved by either of his parents who played favoritism among his siblings. Besides, he was raised by a wife-beating, gambling, pedophile father who was run out of the state of New York by the Jewish Mafia, and a mother who had been beaten as a child herself.
In either of the two conversations he attempted to impose prior to this situation, my father never said that he loved me when he called…”Even when he would visit years prior, the first thing he would say was whether I had gained weight or about my appearance.
And I never had an expectation that he could or would say “I love you” when he called. I just noticed how I could be with the love I felt towards myself and for him without needing further engagement.
It had been apparent that his strategy of communication would not change in this lifetime towards me. I felt compassion and understanding from where he was living. And I clearly recognized that his kind of behavior is no longer part of my evolution. He projected that out to me in playing the martyr, persecutor, or victim, in making others wrong. It was a huge coping mechanism. His issues were not my problem, and I would never allow him to triangulate me again.
I was so grateful to watch Avatar after! What a movie of conviction, beauty, strength and transformation! The ones who hold and live the Truth continue their lives at a new and heartfelt level.
In December ’18, I had a feeling that I needed to blog about my father. I felt that he would not be around much longer. My beloved paternal Grandmother was showing up a great deal in spirit. Even my dear friend, Sidnee, saw and felt her. This gave me a clue that something was up.
Through my oldest daughter, I received news that my father made his transition on February 5th. I knew what I wanted to do immediately.
I called some close friends, some who knew him personally, just to let them know. They all understood my relationship with him.
I felt no sadness, no guilt, not remorse, no regret. I felt excitement! I wanted to go within to connect with him.
I kept my word in making sure his soul went into Creator’s light. It is really what I wanted to experience for his grand welcoming into pure Unconditional Love.
I sat in deep meditation. I was in awe of who he really is…his light now was brighter though he was disoriented. Then my deceased grandmother appeared with him…so strong and lovingly. I’m grateful he would know her differently than when they were alive together.
My mother moved into view…her light clear and so beautiful. My father would now know her as I have for many years. She played an intense role on this earth plane but had grown spiritually while existing ‘outside of space and time’. She now shone radiantly.
He then apologized to me and attempted to explain himself, but not in any manipulative way. It was a sincere awareness of himself different than his experience on earth. I experienced this like receiving a quickly delivered thought form that filled in what might have been missing in our connection.
And, I had no expectation nor need for this on my part. In him actually seeing me for who I really am–as a soul with a mission to help people understand about healing trauma, forgiveness and LOVE–it allowed the real bond that couldn’t happen on earth.
I asked him if he would like to be one of my guides. He had helped me learn to write as a child in proofreading my assignments, and I could use his help in the present with the writing that is part of my Divine Timing. I was (and am) deeply appreciative to have this experience, to be with him as he merged into his Light body in the Unconditional Love.
I didn’t go to the funeral nor did I have a need to connect in any way with those he related to…many whom had abused me, some who lived in different states of dissociation and denial. And for clarity, my father never violated my physical boundaries in any way sexually though he was emotionally incestual.
Like I said, I knew he loved me even though his earthly behavior showed up differently. He played a role that he created until the final scene ended, and the curtain closed. It’s all a Divine play!
For the Living
We all have an opportunity to be something more than what happened to us…before we die. So consider taking a new road, one that fills your heart with purpose, conviction, truth, joy, and forgiveness.
Let each day of your life be a loving tribute to YOU. No matter what happens, you’ll be on the top of your list with Creator.
With love and blessings,
I extracted possible ‘theme’ beliefs from the story. Energy test yourself for them, practice clearing them through digging if applicable, and use Creator’s teachings including the ones below if they fit.
- I value myself beyond the expectations of my parents (or another).
- I can walk away from relationships that attempt to scapegoat me.
- I am able to live without being scapegoated.
- All calm voices are to be trusted.
- I know love by teaming against another.
- I can love another and still walk away from their behavior and actions.
- I can be with the love I feel for another without needing further engagement.
- Another’s issues are my problem.
- I stop triangulations in relationships.
Helpful Creator’s teachings/downloads
I know what it feels like to, how to, when to, that it’s possible, safe to, worthy/deserving/good enough, that I can, I do (or I am/am able to be):
- To walk away from relationships that scapegoat me
- To live without blaming myself for the ways that others scapegoat me
- To recognize the intention rather than the appearance.
- To discern another’s trustworthiness
- To know love by staying anchored within through self love
- To love another and know that I can walk away from their behavior and actions
- To stay with the love I feel for another without needing further engagement.
- To know that love exists even if the form of a relationship changes
- To live without another’s issues becoming my problem
- To know the difference between blaming others and accountability
- To stop triangulations in relationships
- To live without feeling triangulated by another’s issues