Quote for the month: “Raise your words, not your voice. It is rain that grows flowers, not thunder.” ~Rumi
My Cross Talk
Have you ever cried in awe of who you are, what you’ve come through, and why you’re here at this time?
“Why in the heck would someone even think to do this?!”
How often would you sit with yourself and feel the depth of self-love that wants to show you that you are more than worthy of those tears?
There is cross talk in my head that says, “Wouldn’t this be narcissistic? Or egotistical? Or selfish?”
And I gently respond to that inner confusion, “Couldn’t it just be that there is recognition and acknowledgement of who I really am, because I can and am having this experience of life? Can I look at myself both as outside the journey and in the journey in all that is occurring and know it all counts and matters?
My heart feels tender knowing the acceptance of this love towards myself. I feel tears streaming down my face. It’s been a lot to scan my life.
I have seen flashes of all that I’ve gone through as an observer and as the once participant–the years of abuse, the collapsed body, the death-defying non-choices, the grave demands of others, the memories of despair, the nights of processing the tears, and the patterns clearing, the amazing changes that I’ve made in my life to accept all of me, and I still can somehow remain grounded to decide if I want to go out dancing on a Saturday night. These ‘gear shifts’ in reality happen to me a lot while actually staying aware of it occurring.
Everything counts and matters
All experiences and decisions count and matter…… individually and collectively. I attempt to live from this awareness even if I question it, particularly in discerning how to relate to others when it’s time to move on.
I know myself so differently than who I was told that ‘I am’… those projected identities others placed on me, expecting me to accept and live from their wounds and shame, their hate and rage, their distortions and judgments. But I won’t.
It no longer fits for how I’ve healed. It isn’t true. And it really never was. I ‘bought’ a storyline, an archetype, to help heal myself and participate in healing others.
Medical intuitive, Carolyn Myss, spoke about souls who come to take on a part of the earthly darkness to transform it. For me, I did this by emerging into a darkened experience of physical form so I could reach through the etherics to gather myself back together…stronger, more resilient, integrated experiences ‘under my belt’ and virtues available to claim my spiritual growth and to tell my story. It’s definitely been an epic life.
In really moving through that journey, there is an awakening that breaks down structures of antiquated relationships that are really unhealthy to continue.
It’s never an easy decision to ‘know’ when it’s counted and mattered enough to let go or how or when to take action. I want to give you a snippet of a few incidences that remind me how I made these decisions, and the virtues that played a big part in moving me forward along this journey.
Boundaries of no contact
In the beginning of January ’10, I received a call from a relative who I had specifically asked never to contact me again.
It was in 1995 when I realized that the relationship needed to end. My life was taking a very different direction from how this relative wanted to perceive and act towards me. I needed very strong boundaries that took a great deal of inner work and strength to implement. It was a process of honoring myself and my truth, one I’ve never regretted.
Three years later, I saw him at my oldest daughter’s college graduation. I respectfully acknowledged his presence in actually stepping up to him as a circle of other relatives had formed after the ceremony. My inner guidance had suggested I do this.
But he became emotionally dysregulated—yelling at me. I moved quickly away from him. I don’t allow anyone to communicate with me in that manner. I knew that any further connection would be a violation of my boundaries.
Two days later, the phone rings. It was him. My body shook. My acknowledgment at the graduation must have been interpreted that my boundaries were not to be recognized.
With a voice that projected dominance, he loudly asked me to listen to him, and then questioned if I could do that… as if I was a 5 year old little girl who had to obey him with my full, undivided attention. It probably was a clue of what was to proceed.
I didn’t commit, but said he could start. I just felt there was something I would understand in allowing him to continue.
I listened but only for a few seconds. I placed the receiver on my lap for 10 minutes while doodling on a piece of paper. I periodically picked up the phone to see if his tone or content had changed.
He was on a near-shouting tirade of how selfish and horrible I was. His words and tone were demeaning and disrespectful, criticizing and denigrating, angry and critically judgmental in how I acted towards him and others in the past.
I’m amazed I allowed even this much presence to his projectile energy, but I was where I was in attempting to understand his motives.
When he realized I wasn’t engaging in his limited opinions of me, as I didn’t respond, he screamed for me to listen to him and not to hang up. Again, he thought he could demand my obedience.
But I wasn’t 5 years old anymore. I got that this needed to end.
My reality was too different to be available to him
I stopped him in the guided clarity of the moment, both loving and respectful without making him wrong, I told him that I loved him, always did and always will. I could accept that he wanted to adhere to his reality and perceptions of me and our past relationship together, but my reality was too different to be available to him. I was no longer going to perceive my life where he resonates from. My truth is stronger than another’s denial. Our lives together were complete.
I set my boundaries again, and explained that I was no longer available to listen to him now or in the future. I wished him well and repeated that I loved him.
He desperately grappled to keep me attached and engaged with his mental confusion as he continued to yell at me not to hang up.
I had carefully put the receiver on the cradle.
I took a long releasing breath.
My outside calmness was very different than my inner experience as my heart raced and my body was shaking. The breath anchored me in the present.
For the sensitive person that I am, I needed to clean the energy in my space that wanted to linger. You can just about imagine the hooks and cords I had to remove.
It was quite an emotional and harrowing ordeal inside. Yet the strength of my understanding and forgiveness felt more powerful. Forgiveness was both for myself and towards him in the understanding of the situation.
I knew deeply that forgiveness was my ally who was coaching me to remember that this is about my truth.
“I know my truth. I take back my power. You can’t have it anymore. I can separate your hurtfulness and opinions from my truth and who I am. I’m complete in my relationship with you. I release you from needing to tell me how incredibly strong I am through demeaning me, and that the love for myself precedes any relationship that denies this Truth.”
Yes, his obligation was to teach me what I already knew but needed an extra reminder. This was indeed complete. His phone call allowed me to verbalize it, to step into the situation with integrity, courage and love.
I will not participate in relationships that are abusive and demeaning–verbally, emotionally, physically, and spiritually. As Marianne Williams once said, “There’s nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you.”
This Blog will be continued next month.
Thank you for reading a very intimate experience of self-empowerment and forgiveness. Part 2 will hopefully engage you in the completion of this story.
With truth, love and blessings,
I extracted possible ‘theme’ beliefs from the story. Energy test yourself for them, practice clearing them through digging if applicable, and use Creator’s teachings including the ones below if they fit.
- I can love myself and still acknowledge where I need improvement.
- I can acknowledge where I need improvement without diminishing the growth I’ve gone through.
- I base my decisions on what counts and matters to me.
- I allow abuse to understand other’s motives.
- My truth is stronger than another’s denial of my life.
- I’m willing to end relationships that feel disempowering and disrespectful to me.
Helpful Creator’s teachings/downloads
I know what it feels like to, how to, when to, that it’s possible, that I can, I do (or I am/am able to be):
- To love myself while acknowledging where I need improvement
- To acknowledge where I need improvement without diminishing the growth I’ve gone through
- To stop being disrespected by respecting my own boundaries
- To disengage from another with love and forgiveness
- To reclaim my power when another is hurtful and disrespectful
- To base my decisions on what counts and matters to me
- To live without accepting abuse to understand another’s motive
- To accept that my truth is stronger than another’s denial of my life